I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers...
NOPE... we got spaghetti!
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances.
Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit
does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance
Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh.
Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break.
I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and
I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away,
I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That
stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open.
That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments
of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three
easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which
payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the
fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they
just want to make it late for something.
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer
would drive you crazy.
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something
that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh,
that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was
really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed
to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string,
I would have been impressed.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone.
I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial
9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You
can try four and five back to back real quick."
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a
guy. That's way more satisfying...
I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...
I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and
you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to
bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that
I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical
friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got
the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under
My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear
music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried
to taste it, but it did not work.
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret,
but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your
ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true.
I always fight with wearing a beret.
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When
I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll
go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that
stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do
you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa!
Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because
what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture
of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you
were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older."
Where'd you get that camera man?
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade
you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before
I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver.
"Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down.
Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the
window? Man, you really like Tide..."
I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being
here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really.
But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I
rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't
know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator."
This letter took a harsh turn right away...
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone
I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they
just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn
my head slightly...
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled
at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn
it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came
up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking
a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna
run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking
a fire exit.
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a
pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense.
After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up
with false hopes.
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting
my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought
I was tricky.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes."
I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If
you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You
would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order"
sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food
and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to
your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and
they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there,
and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were
walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and
tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name.
They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.
Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge
that would melt easily over tortilla chips...
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I
got sick of not caring.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She
does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she
just never gets called to the set.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on
the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into
a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a
fish that I have never seen.
I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell
out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it
was like the sound of my addiction.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going
to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation
ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a
bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like,
"Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed
you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to
be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold
one, and pat it on its head.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to
me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs
slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal
ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro,
because I am not in the military.
I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These
fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when
we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I
can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito,
dad, you know how I like mine.
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please
try again." because they were having a contest that I was
unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe
Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't
give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait,
fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something
like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold
of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when
I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."
My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy
when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided
by 6, at least.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob",
but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call
it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's
not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch",
and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better
when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar
so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On
a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green
means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave,
does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird
quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large
out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could
not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts
of a piece of paper.
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use
a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you
like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly...
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their
soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more
important than others.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad
at me for saying that.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good
I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No,
but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."