I remember that one fateful day when Coach took
me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell
me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well,"
said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made
that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet
is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try
to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true
what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside
the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of
raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing
or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're
eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into
a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars
with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to
the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!".
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.
"That was fun," I said. "You bet it was,"
said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said.
"I think we should be heading back now." "We have
time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we
did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes,
then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it
"dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead
by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then
the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town,
and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited,
and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to
see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play
I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't.
Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human
emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as
when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another
emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he
paid for his stupid puppet.
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets
bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help,
then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake.
Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help.
A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel
good when you tell them it was just a joke.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up
my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.
Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone
came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for
gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold,"
and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's
a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you
go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies,
and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of
the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take
off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that
everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would
have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You
can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's
just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the
Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night
at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping
I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition
to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he
worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware
store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody
else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold
nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After
forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and
the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold
nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke
his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the
night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there
were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people?
And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car?
And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head
out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning,
because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the
enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone
think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can
throw a real grenade at them.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings.
But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse
trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people
their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds
with my name on it.
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite
a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and
even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I
discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed
shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder
weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
you could shoot beer out of you nose.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone
says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that
$100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?"
Man, quit being so cheap!
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's
okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come
on, life is funny.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should
be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction,
we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him
real quick and give it to him.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven
or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if
it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell
him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After
school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while
he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out
that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an
ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be
to pretend you were swimming.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet
it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint
gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and
how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he
came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But
to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing.
But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with
some whore he picked up in town.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would
you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?
You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him
to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand
burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down
he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over
to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks."
Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."
I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department,
but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing
a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in
the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's
a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating
everything they see.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength
to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind
it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but
I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was
strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember
a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff,
or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so
much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he
kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the
preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed,
and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others,
"I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.".
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
because what is that thing.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high
notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing
is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You
see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you
because, hey, free dummy.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and
then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick
to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring
the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but
you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a
knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You."
After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks
his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.